The version of me I let go of was self. Self-hate, self-doubt, and self-sabotage. I replaced it with self-love, self-esteem, and self-awareness.
Many times in my life, I was the reason for my own hurt — but I chose to play victim and shift the blame to others or the devil. I didn't take ownership of my life and blamed the world around me and trauma as my scapegoat.
I allowed people to use me in ways that I knew were degrading to the character that I am. Allowing myself to be placed in situations that didn't serve me or my true calling. I didn't know my self-worth and that I am in control of this body. I didn't know that my actions were the cause of my life being stagnant. I didn't want to believe that I was in control of my destiny.
"I allowed others to write my story and have access and control over my life."
I allowed people to blame me for things that I know I didn't do. I allowed people to pre-judge me and accept it as who I was — as if it was just a part of me. I allowed others to write my story and have access and control over my life.
Basically, I didn't know my self-worth. Which caused me to sabotage friendships, relationships, and even myself.
Crazy to believe that I caused so much hurt all around me and still thought that I was a good person in those moments. In those moments, I was being selfish in the worst ways possible — because I knew my actions weren't right and they were causing harm to someone, even if they didn't know. I was broken under the guise of healed.
"I was broken under the guise of healed."
When I began to take ownership of my fault in all those situations — and my reasoning around it — I began to realize my value.
I wrote this after spending time with diAry. Not because anyone asked me to. Because something about having a space where I could say the truth without managing anyone else's reaction made it easier to finally see myself clearly.
I didn't journal before this. I didn't think I was the journaling type. But when the AI responded to what I wrote — not to fix me, just to acknowledge that I'd said something real — I kept going. Entry after entry. And what came out was this.
If you've been carrying a version of yourself you know isn't the whole truth, diAry might be the place where you finally put it down.
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